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On Self Esteem [Dec. 29th, 2016|02:40 pm]
The million dollar question for myself. It is, literally, the one thing that I keep coming back to for all of my interpersonal problems. I can't ignore it anymore, or 'hope' it gets better with greater and more consistent accomplishment. I've got to get this nailed down, or I'll be stuck. I don't have any real method for tackling this yet. Maybe it's just good to go in blind, or perhaps it's time for professional help.

Lets get this fixed next year.

Much Has Changed [Dec. 26th, 2016|08:41 pm]
The past couple of years have been very eye opening to say the least.

In brief, I've moved to Seattle, attempted to get my foot in the tech door, and failed. I still have the job I've moved here with(and have since been promoted actually), but not the shiny 'engineer' position(status) I desire, so I decided to go back to school and complete my education. I've completed the first of what will be a 5 year process, and look forward to taking my first Calculus class next quarter.

The real thing I want to bring up here(that I've always brought up here) is dating. As it has been something I've constantly been dissatisfied with. The reality is that my dissatisfaction is my own fault. I, simply, wasn't doing what was necessary to even BE dating(clean up appearance, lose weight, go out, etc.). After doing that, obviously things improved(I'm 'okay' with one night stands now), but I'm met with an even greater challenge, and in a way, I've come to the shores of reality, and it is not the shining port city I imagined.

Dating is time consuming, and sometimes difficult, but generally it's fun. You meet a lot of people, and come away with some good stories. What I'm focusing on here is finding success in dating. That success, for me, being the establishment of a relationship, and starting a family(time permitting). Going into this, I expected to find lots of fairly positive people. Instead, I've found scores of paranoid, frustrated, and downright broken people. I had to take a step back and get a better idea of what was REALLY going on here, because in a city like this, full of convenience, and such a large cross section of people, there shouldn't be anything major holding anyone back. This is what I've come to find. For the sake of discussion, I'm painting broad strokes here. The conclusions I've arrived to is based purely on anecdotal evidence. Which is personal experience, stories recanted from female friends, and things I have seen go down in the wild. I'm only talking about the dynamics between heterosexual people. All of this is specific to Seattle, but I do believe some of it does serve as a social commentary for dating, at large in the United States.

Because of the tech scene here, Seattle has no shortage of men. Men outnumber women here in general(it's not a huge imbalance, but it's there). Compound that with a wealth of college education, and fairly high paying jobs, you'd think this place would be a literal candy store for (straight)women. Then I met some of the guys.
Straight up, they're unimpressive. Sure, we've all met the neckbearded basement dweller type in our social circle before, but rare is it to see them run in herds, and they thunder across the Pacific Northwest in great numbers. Many of them working in tech, reaping the benefits of spending countless hours honing their crafts, at the detriment of their appearance, health, and most notably, their social skills. Even the ones that clean up are still marred by very weak social ability. Anything outside of their technical ability is, literally, a landmine waiting to be stepped on. The result being an over-reaction to a challenge, or an immediate apology over fear of angering someone, even if they did no wrong. This is not a strong and stable person. While skilled in their career, they cannot do what's necessary to actually build and maintain a relationship. This results in swaths of frustrated men that just burn through any date they can manage to set up, cower in fear from most women, or just check out entirely, unless it's some sort of safe, controlled meeting(like speed dating). And even those don't end up working out.

There's two major groups of women out here. One group is 'rough' women, the other group is everyone else. All of varying ages and attractiveness.
The rough women are just that, rough. They seem to be at odds with men, or desperate to BE men in some cases. Constantly angry, or not pleased with something. The ones that do date typically look for a man that's subservient, or 'below' them in some way. I don't know how else to explain it, but these types of women are almost always grossly overweight, staunchly 'feminist', and almost always don't have their natural hair color(not a problem, but a very interesting observation). It is absolutely bizarre.
The 'everyone else' group is, basically, all other remaining women subject to this environment. This group, in theory, should have it pretty good, and to some extent they do, but the reality is that they all scrap for the 'viable' men, basically go through a string of hook-ups that last for years, and then get cycled out in their late 20s. Unable to form solid relationships. Mileage may vary. This leads to, in many cases, frustration and desperation. Some of them double down on their(non-existent) careers, others get an extra cat, and start knitting.

You've got sex-starved men and emotionally unfulfilled(for most of their adult lives) women making socially awkward attempts to date each other. It's just ugly. And I've walked into this with no prior knowledge.

I'm under no impression that I'm some great catch or the smoothest of operators, so I've been using this place as a way to actually learn how to date properly. Basically, get things wrong, find out what best fits for me, and keep on moving. Oh man, have I learned. So much 'failure' has never taught me so much. It challenged me in a way that not only changed how I approach dating, but it challenged, directly, my views on relationships between men and women, and the very concepts I believed around 'equality' between the sexes. We've sacrificed the complimentary dynamic of men and women on the altar of equality, and it has driven people, at least in this town, up the wall.

We, men and women, are not equal.

Actions will always speak louder than words.

Women can lead, but they really like it(in my experience, most actually prefer) when men do.

Communication is key, there is no shame in telling someone something they may not like. They may call you an asshole, but they'll
never call you a liar.

Emotional men are overrated. Nobody likes them.

What's aggressive and a turn off to one person, can be assertive and a turn-on to another.

It's absolutely amazing how these things have been lost. Why and how did this happen? I've got some ideas around this kind of thing, but that's a post for another time.

It's like learning to walk all over again. [May. 12th, 2014|01:25 pm]
Since I've been single for awhile(years), and finally moving to Seattle, I figured it would be good to actually learn how to date, because I've never actually DONE that. Man, I've got some learning. No joke. I'm a little embarrassed at the prospect, being in my early thirties and all, but I spent the bulk of my twenties buried in a computer screen, and barely managing the on/off relationship I was having at the time. This kind of thing is long overdue, and it has been a failing on my part socially, to fix this. With that said, I will turn to good ol' trial, error, and analysis. I know, it sounds boring and robot-like(it is), but I need this. I feel like it's the only way I can build 'understanding' in this regard.

Lessons in Rejection:
I spoke to three different women from three (somewhat)different social outings. One was at a bar, the others were house parties. For each person, I would be direct with sexual intentions. By direct, I mean, 'Nice shoes, wanna fuck?' direct. This is probably the rudest, ballsiest gesture I could think of. I went in with the expectation of serious humiliation with this kind of 'tactic'. Honestly, I think the worst answer I got was"Hmmm... naaa not really." Each answer was succeeded with kind of a short laugh. One of those'that was from left field' type of laughs.
Now here I was, thinking that this was some gut wrenching experience. My personal experience in my(near distant) past told me this, but things were very different this time. I honestly have no idea what it is, but it's very different. Honestly, if this is par for the course as far as rejection, I can handle a few thousand.

I won't, however, use that 'direct' type of approach. It doesn't feel natural. I'd really like to get to know the person I'm interested in more.

Leaving The 'Nest' [Dec. 12th, 2013|11:51 pm]
As of this coming Monday, I begin a new position within my current job. This kind of thing isn't out of the blue for me, but this particular position is very different from many of the other software development opportunities I've taken. My changes will be publicly visible, the work will be challenging, and the deadlines will be fierce. I believe it's a great place to grow professionally. Not to mention, working from home isn't such a bad thing either.

Despite this move forward, this isn't the most important step. This particular step was necessary for taking the primary step I'm taking now. With that said, as of December 16th, I will begin tying up all ends that I have here in St. Louis, packing my bags, and hopping in a one-way tube to Seattle, Washington. It has been something that I've only played with the idea of doing, but as I've gotten older, and increasingly displeased with the overall pace of my professional and personal life, I decided one day to get a little selfish. Really start gunning for the things that I wanted. Doing the things that felt good and not be so beholden to my regard for people's sensibilities. The great part is that it only, truly, took 4 months to get to this point, but I've still got some time ahead before an actual move can take place.

I will admit, I'm feeling many things right now. Completely leaving the only home you've known for a place that's not so foreign is a little intimidating, but that intimidation is covered by the excitement of new opportunities that await! I've got a very busy six months ahead!
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(no subject) [Dec. 26th, 2012|10:57 am]
I've got to step my math game up. I really feel like things would get more interesting if I did.
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An Old Hospital. [Sep. 25th, 2012|05:31 pm]
Last week, I managed to gain access to the abandoned Forest Park Hospital with some friends. The building is very much in tact, and still has light in some areas. Now, it has only been abandoned for a little over a year, but for the most part, aside from some water damage, the place is in good condition. I will note though, it's interesting what happens to a building in such a short period of time after people have abandoned it; especially one so large.

Image gallery
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Cocktail Attire [Jul. 11th, 2012|12:05 am]
So I managed to find and pick up these items for an event this week that required 'cocktail attire'

PictarsCollapse )

(no subject) [Apr. 15th, 2012|12:38 am]
I don't think I've ever been so bored and horny in my life.
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(no subject) [Mar. 15th, 2012|10:15 pm]
I think I'm done dating.
Like for real.
Where's the application I have to fill out to remove myself from the gene pool?
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(no subject) [Feb. 25th, 2012|06:41 pm]
Today is just one of those days where you just want to drop everything that's happening right now and redefine who you are. Start new; new location, new place, new people, new everything. I just...I just feel like if I closed my eyes long enough, I'd find myself in a small space in a vibrant neighborhood in a large city. I'd step out into the streets to meet the sun as it bathes an endless sea of brick and steel towers in its light, on my way to do something that matters, not so much to others, but definitely to me.

It's just that lately, I haven't really been satisfied with my life. Not because things are going wrong, or right.

It's because nothing is happening.
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